Guard Duty
by AngieWhite
Summary: Guarding the gates of Konoha is a boring job, unless you know how to entertain yourself. And Izumo and Kotetsu are experts in the art of entertaining themselves at the cost of others. A Kakashi/Iruka fic.
1. Chapter 1

Konoha was pretty much as villages in general are

Konoha was pretty much as villages in general are. It had houses, stores, restaurants, a school; all the attributes of a normal town. It had inhabitants who got up in the morning, went to work, shopped for groceries, ate ramen.

It was also as little of a normal village as it could be. It was a ninja village. It was The Village Hidden in the Leaf. It had training grounds, weapon shops, an ANBU office. It had inhabitants who stayed up all night, training to hide in shadows, went for secret missions, killed for money.

It was a village with enemies and as such, it needed guarding. The city walls were constantly patrolled and the gates had a nice little guard booth, manned twenty-four hours a day. Not that any enemy worth worrying about would come strolling openly through the gates, waving a declaration of war, but it was necessary to know who came and went in the village. It was a rather tedious job, but it had to be done.

For the moment it was managed by Kamizuki Izumo and Hagane Kotetsu. These two Chuunin spend their time watching the ninja teams leave for training in the morning and return home in the evening, interrupted by occasional longer absences for missions. It was a tedious job, but after a while you learned ways to make time pass. Izumo and Kotetsu had only had the post for a few months, but were already experts in the noble art of entertaining themselves at the cost of others…

--

"I hate that jutsu," Izumo muttered, wiping blood from his nose.

Kotetsu made an agreeing sniff and ran a hand along his sweaty brow.

"Look at Kakashi, though, he doesn't seem affected at all."

Izumo peered curiously at the Jounin, who looked as bored as ever as he brushed some dust from his shoulder and started rummaging in his pocket, presumably after his beloved book.

"That's odd, actually…"

"He is Konoha's best Jounin," Kotetsu shrugged.

"Yeah, but still…" Izumo looked thoughtful. "To withstand _that_ attack without even breaking a sweat. Could it be…"

"Be what?", asked Kotetsu, straightening his shirt absently.

"The reason it doesn't affect him. If _that_ doesn't, then maybe…"

Kotetsu's eyes widened with sudden comprehension.

"You don't mean… _Sharingan Kakashi_?"

"That's exactly what I mean."

"When you think about it, it does make sense," said Kotetsu enthusiastically. "This calls for an investigation."

"It does indeed," agreed Izumo. "And it's an excellent opportunity to test another of our theories."

"Iruka-sensei?"

Izumo smiled.

"You read my mind."

--

The following day was like any other in Konoha. It was sunny and that temperature when its not too cold to wear a shirt showing half the stomach and not too warm to complete a training session wearing an enormous, fur-clad parka. And like any other day in Konoha, the gates had to be guarded. Today, however, the guards were on the lookout for a certain person.

"There he is," said Kotetsu, elbowing his companion in the ribs. "Oi! Iruka-sensei! Will you come over here for a while?"

Looking slightly curious the academy teacher changed direction from the library, where he'd been heading, to the guard booth and the two men inside it.

"We need your opinion on something," said Izumo rubbing his side where Kotetsu's elbow had probably left a red mark.

"Okay", Iruka nodded, bearing a look of polite interest fit for a teacher preparing to help his students. "Let's hear it."

"What would you say," Izumo leaned across the counter and lowered his voice conspiratorially, "if we said we have reasons to believe that Hatake Kakashi is gay?"

"Well", Iruka maintained his calm expression, but the area around the scarred nose and cheeks flushed characteristically red, "what makes you say that?"

"The other day we saw him come back from training with his Genin, you know, Naruto and the others," said Izumo, clearly enjoying retelling the story," and all of a sudden, I don't know why, might have been an attempt to unmask him or something, Naruto uses the Sexy no Jutsu on him."

"And we're talking Harem Style here", Kotetsu interposed.

"And Kakashi didn't even flinch."

"No nosebleed, no nothing."

"He just gave the kid a bored look and said if that he had the energy to goof around like that he obviously hadn't trained hard enough." Izumo paused and looked at his one-man audience. "Iruka-sensei, are you okay? You look a bit…red."

"I'm fine," said Iruka, only slightly too quickly "It's just, unusually warm today, isn't it?."

"Here, have a drink." Kotetsu produced a bottle from a shadowy corner of the booth. "It's important not to get dehydrated on a hot day like this."

Iruka accepted the proffered glass and took a gulp, only to spit it out on the ground seconds later.

"It's _sake_!" he sputtered.

"What did you expect?" Kotetsu grinned. "Water?"

"Since the bottle is labelled _Mizu no Kuni's Finest Mineral Water_ I was stupid enough to believe something along those lines, yes," said Iruka curtly, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Of course they wouldn't let us have it here if we kept it in a sake bottle," Izumo replied matter-of-factedly.

"But Tsunade-sama can have a whole stash in her office…" Kotetsu muttered.

"… just because she's the Hokage…"

"Anyway," they both looked intently at Iruka. "About Kakashi-sensei. What do you think?"

Iruka shrugged.

"He's an elite shinobi. It's only natural for him to withstand a Genin attack."

"But the Sexy no Jutsu is not just any Genin attack!" protested Izumo. "Even Sandaime-sama fell for it."

"You've fallen for it more than once, after what I heard." Kotetsu added. "Face it, there's no man, no _straight_ man, who can resist that jutsu."

"Just because you can't resist the Sexy no Jutsu it doesn't mean you're straight," said Iruka, glowing bright red as soon as the words left his mouth. "I mean… the opposite, of course, the opposite. Just because you _can_ resist the Sexy no Jutsu it doesn't mean you're _not_ straight. It doesn't prove anything." He looked nervously at his fellow Chuunin, both wearing a barely visible smirk. "Why did you want my opinion on this anyway?" he added angrily.

Izumo shrugged.

"It's a rather juicy piece of gossip, isn't it?"

"If it's true," Iruka said sharply, "which I doubt."

Izumo tilted his head and spread out his hands in a gesture that clearly said 'if that's what you want to think'.

"Anyway, we just thought we'd share it. After all, that's what gossip is for."

"I appreciate your thoughtfulness," said Iruka. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got work to do."

The two gate guards watched him disappear among the houses, finally letting out the grins they had been keeping from their lips for quite a while.

"Well, that's as good as a confession, isn't it?" said Izumo.

"It is. A major Freudian slip."

"More like a Freudian fuck-up."

"And he's into Kakashi?"

"Totally."

"Well", Izumo sighed, suddenly serious, "as fellow shinobi I guess it's our duty to meddle."

"That's the hard life of a ninja," Kotetsu agreed.

They looked at each other.

"This'll be fun."


	2. Chapter 2

It was somewhere between morning and noon, one of those periods in the day when the gates of Konoha were deserted by everyone

It was somewhere between morning and noon, one of those periods in the day when the gates of Konoha were deserted by everyone except for its faithful guards. The teams had already left for training or missions and the first highlight of the day; watching Mito Gai and Rock Lee sprint out of the village with an almost nauseating enthusiasm while their team mates followed, trying in vain to act as if they did not know the two green clad bowl cuts, was over and done with. But the main event was still to come.

And here it came, just as Kotetsu took out the bottle of sake disguised as Mizu no Kuni's Finest Mineral Water, strolling down the road in the form of Hatake Kakashi.

"Bingo," Izumo mumbled. "Now call for him."

"Why don't you do it?" Kotetsu protested in a low voice.

Despite having talked to Kakashi on several previous occasions and never, so far, given him any reason to dislike them there was something slightly intimidating about him. It was not as much the fact that he was an extremely efficient killer; they were, after all, surrounded by those daily and counted themselves as such, nor was it that he could probably kill you _more_ and _better_ than most people. It was just something about him being _Sharingan_ Kakashi and, to put it simply, the height of cool, that made the two Chuunin feel slightly more inferior than their rank suggested. And the knowledge that they were about to start meddling in his love life did nothing to ease that feeling.

"Chicken," Izumo muttered, then he raised his voice and said: "Kakashi-sensei! We were just talking about you."

The Jounin stopped in front of the guard booth and raised his eyebrow questioningly.

"About your exploit the other day," Izumo continued tentatively, slightly discouraged by Kakashi's passivity. "Against Naruto's little jutsu. You're probably the only one in the village who can resist it."

Kakashi shrugged.

"It's not that special."

"Oh, don't be modest!" said Kotetsu heartedly, obviously gaining courage from Izumo's insecurity . "Iruka-kun was very impressed when we told him, said he'd love to learn the trick."

"Is that so?"

"Yes," the Chuunin looked carefully at the visible part of Kakashi's face, hoping to detect a trace of interest, "the poor guy was the test object when Naruto developed his technique, but he still can't resist it. He could use some tips."

"He was the guinea pig, eh?" There was a slightly humoristic glint in the Copy-nin's eye. "Well, that says something about Iruka-sensei's taste in women doesn't it?"

"Er…it does?" asked Kotetsu, slightly taken aback by the answer. He glanced at Izumo for assistance, but his companion seemed to be as much at a loss as he was.

"Of course it does." Kakashi smiled, an amused and slightly indulgent smile that sent shivers down the gate guard's spines. "Now, I'm late for a meeting. See'ya." And he vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Idiot!" Izumo hissed as soon as he'd gone. "You had the perfect opportunity to say something about Iruka's taste in _women_. Why didn't you?"

"I couldn't hear you making an effort either."

"Damn, that guy's so hard to read." Izumo rubbed his temples.

"Maybe we should try to give him some of Mizu no Kuni's Finest," Kotetsu suggested, giving the bottle a fond look.

"I've got a feeling that would just end with him drinking us under the table."

"Yeah, I guess it would." Kotetsu sighed. "So, what do we do now?"

"We keep on planting."

--

Over the next week Izumo and Kotetsu took every opportunity they got to talk to Iruka, each time trying to casually slip Kakashi's name into the conversation. Unfortunately they did not see much of Iruka since they were confined to the gates almost twenty-four hours a day and Iruka kept mostly to the Academy and his apartment. Someone they did see the more of was Kakashi, who past in and out of the gates almost every day. After their first attempt, however, they were not overly keen on talking to him and after three more, rather pathetic, tries, each ending with them being completely owned, they decided the time had come to take drastic measures.

"But what technique do we use?" Izumo mused. "It's Sharingan Kakashi we need to fool here. And Iruka isn't exactly stupid either. And no," he said sharply as Kotetsu opened his mouth, "we're not using Mizu no Kuni's Finest."

"I wasn't going to suggest that," said Kotetsu dryly. "What about a Godaime Special?"

"Nah, it wouldn't work. Kakashi's got his dogs, remember?"

"Yeah, that's right."

"Maybe a Double Dango?"

"That might work. Only we don't have that many senbon."

"We could borrow some from Genma," Izumo sniggered.

"Yeah, right."

They fell into silent contemplation, going through every Technique of Meddling they knew. Suddenly Kotetsu's face lit up.

"How about… a Closet Classic?"

Izumo pondered this for a while.

"You know, that's not a bad idea… It's simple, yet effective."

"And the closet theme is kind of symbolic too."

Izumo grinned.

"Kotetsu, you're a genius."


	3. Chapter 3

Konoha was asleep

Konoha was asleep. Or, at least, as asleep as a village can be when half of its inhabitants take the expression 'to sleep with one eye open' literally and the other half doesn't rest at all. Because even at night time, or maybe especially at night time, the village, and the gates, need to be guarded.

This night, however, one might have reasons to doubt the level of devotion the Konoha ninja showed their job. The two gate guards were hiding in a tree, observing the guard booth rather than the gates.

There was a movement on the ground somewhere to their left and the figure of a tall man released itself from the shadows.

"Half an hour late, as we thought", Izumo whispered, looking at his watch. "Then Iruka should be here any minute now."

The man stepped up to the booth and stopped, looking around as if waiting for someone. Some minutes later another man came walking down the street, coming to a surprised halt as he noticed he was not alone.

"Kakashi-sensei? Er… good evening."

"Good evening to you too, Iruka-sensei. Or perhaps I should say good night. What brings you here at this hour?"

"Somehow Izumo and Kotetsu talked me into taking their guard shift tonight." Iruka sighed and looked at the empty booth. "Seems like they've already left, though. What about you?"

"I was supposed to meet Gai here, for a challenge. But I'm a bit late, so he should already be here." Kakashi looked around him suspiciously.

"Now, before he discovers it!" Kotetsu whispered, nudging Izumo in the ribs and almost knocking him off his branch.

There was a sudden rush of wind and the air around Kakashi and Iruka became dark and moist. Then there was a loud bang as from a door slamming shut. Izumo and Kotetsu listened carefully in the silence that followed, climbing further out on their branches so as not to miss anything. Eventually Iruka said:

"Er… where are we?"

"In the storeroom/temporary prison cell in the back of the guard booth", Kakashi answered casually. "Izumo and Kotetsu had put a genjutsu on it to make us think we were standing in front of the booth when we were actually entering it. They're hiding in a tree outside."

"He knew?!" Kotetsu hissed. Izumo made a hushing noise.

Inside the storeroom, Iruka swore loudly.

"I'll kill them when I get out of here."

"That's probably going to take a while. This place is made to hold suspected infiltrators captor until they can be moved to the prison or set free. It's impossible to break out. Unless your little friends decide to unlock the door, we're stuck here."

Iruka swore again.

"Is that really a proper word for a school teacher to use?" asked Kakashi in an amused voice.

"It is when it's justified."

Silence fell once more, stretching longer this time, making Izumo and Kotetsu stir nervously in their uncomfortable positions in the tree. At last, Kakashi spoke.

"So, should we do something to pass time while we're waiting?"

"Like what?"

"Like… have sex, perhaps?"

There was the sound of several twigs snapping and the loud thud of something heavy hitting the ground.

"Sounds like a good idea."

Outside the booth, Izumo crawled into a sitting position under the tree he'd just fallen from.

"They must be putting us on," he whined as his partner in crime gracefully jumped down beside him. "They can't actually be doing it."

"It sounds authentic," said Kotetsu, turning his head so as to better hear the muffled moans and yelps now issuing from the storeroom. "Yep, sounds like they're having a real good time. I wonder who's on top?"

"Will you stop being so fascinated!?" Izumo hissed, hiding his head in his hands. Then he sighed exasperatedly, adding in a mutter: "Kakashi's on top of course."

Kotetsu grinned.

"What makes you say that?"

"Oh, come on! Iruka is like the ultimate uke."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that," said Kotetsu thoughtfully. "He can be stubborn as hell when he wants to, I think it'd be quite the job for Kakashi to tame him."

"But Kakashi's hardly the kind of person who'd-Why are we having this discussion anyway? What's going on? Are they really fucking in there?"

"Well, as I se it the options are; 1) they knew what we were up to and simply decided to turn the joke on us, 2) our work has already paid of and they're together and we've somehow missed that piece of information, in which case they probably _are_ fucking in there, or-"

"Good boy, Kotetsu-kun."

The voice behind them made the two Chuunin start and look around quickly. There, leaning nonchalantly against a tree, was a smiling Kakashi and next to him a both triumphant and somewhat embarrassed-looking Iruka.

"Only, it's our clones 'fucking in there' and not us. Unfortunately."

Izumo and Kotetsu gaped.

"Anyway," Kakashi continued pleasantly, "you guys are a bit behind your time aren't you? Iruka and I have been together for three months."

"What?" Izumo burst out, finally regaining his ability to speak. "Seriously?" He looked at Iruka, who nodded in confirmation. "Why didn't we know?"

Kakashi shrugged.

"You're spending far too much time at that gate."

--

"When is he going to stop being so smug?" Izumo nodded irritably at Kakashi, who passed the guard booth, waving cheerfully.

"Probably never."

"I still can't believe it. How could we _not_ have heard something like that?"

"Our honour is stained forever," said Kotetsu solemnly.

Izumo glanced at him.

"Why do I get the impression that you're not properly upset over this?"

Kotetsu shrugged.

"Our goal was to find out if they're gay, which we did, and, if so was the case, get them together, which they are..."

"But not thanks to us."

"True."

"You know what this means, don't you?" Izumo turned to his friend, eyes shining with determination. "From now on, we'll have to work harder than ever. There'll be no resting from the information gathering. We have to know everything that's going on in this village, from the names of all the first years in the Academy to the colour of the Hokage's underwear. No detail is too petty!"

"Let's toast to that!" said Kotetsu, raising the bottle of Mizu no Kuni's Finest Mineral Water. "We'll be the best Meddling Nins Konoha has ever seen."


End file.
